Seven

Sorted into as many sections as its title, Seven, was written with a specific purpose, for specific aspects of my world.


To the Ones Who Have Hurt Me

“I forgive you. The pain you radiated may have found its way into my bloodstream, but when has pain ever killed me? When has the pierce of a blade ever eternally wounded me? I can imagine a world where you never did what you had done, but that task is almost impossible. It is when I truly have my mind to myself, it is when it agrees with the heart, that I can see a version of myself where the wounds aren’t fresh, where the wounds aren’t wounds at all. They don’t exist in that fantasy. I forgive you. The fantasies disappeared when you hurt me and I was left to face reality. What do I do? I have dissolved into the air. I cannot find myself. I cannot face myself. I cannot see. I forgive you. You gave me the strength to choose. Do I guard myself forever, or do I continue to show everyone all of me? Do I run or do I stay? 


You don’t know me anymore, but I guess you never did. I left your heart on the floor in order to save the one that’s always been there. And I’m sorry for your pain. I’m sorry for the rain. Some days I simply cannot seem to rise. Some days all I can do is simply cry. I see myself in the mirror, with the red eyes fresh from tears. I apologize for all the terrible years. I never meant to wound you. I never meant to make you more sad. This is an apology from the child, a sorry you never thought you’d have. I wish I could heal your pain, I know that I cannot. Maybe in the morning, you’ll see that you always mattered to me.”


To the Ones Who Have Healed Me

“You are the reason I live. You are the reason that I have not given myself to the darkness of this world. Because you showed me that any wound can be healed, any crack can be mended, any tear can be used for good, despite its cause. I used to think that I was broken. You have proved to me that I am only wounded, and there is a big difference between the two. Wounds can heal, but shattered pieces may never be the same again. I have many parts of me that I thought were lost forever, I have my core, which I believed was gone eternally. You have given me the greatest gift of life. You have given me the ability to fight.”


To the Hell that has Shown me Devils

“You tore me in two, made me almost forget about hope. You tore me in two, ruined me, burned me with your flames. You showed me that I could not have heaven without you, always lurking in the back of my mind, reminding me that you were a reality. I understand that one of me will always live in all of you, but you make that part of me stronger. You make me stronger because I now know why people become devils. And I now know that I will never submit to the darkness of the smoke and the light of the flames. You always did have a way of manipulating me, your devils did such a good job of that. What you don’t know is that I became friends with a devil, and she thickened my skin, hardened my mind and showed me what Hell was all about. I do not fear you, because I am you.”


To the Heaven that has Shown me Angels

“What would I have done without you? Where would my hope be? It would not exist. You give me so much light and it has shown me angels. For so long, I thought that she was gone forever, but then I found Heaven, and in Heaven I found angels. I knew that that was what she had become. She was now watching me, living with me in her own mysterious way, breathing next to me, loving me always. You have shown me that there can be angels within us. I wrote so much because of the hope that you gave me, the hope that I was not full of darkness, but full of angels that hadn’t seen the light yet. I was slowly killing myself, hating myself, when I lost my faith, when I had no belief. You give me strength, peace, love. You give me so much serenity, knowing that there is no need for the bounce of the leg, or the shake of the mind. You rid me of my fears because I now never have to doubt that there are angels by my side, whether they have came or gone. Because some angels have left. Some cannot be light forever. But they were light for a while and I understand why they had to leave. They are on a journey, just like I am. They need healing too, but you have shown me that healing is possible for everyone. Light is everywhere, if you have enough hope to see it.”


To the Life that has Shown me Both

“One of the first things I remember that she told me was to find a balance. She always reminded me that it wasn’t perfection that I had to strive for. I never had to be what they wanted me to be. I always had to remain true to myself while crossing the bridge, not staying on one side or the other. The middle was always so terrifying to me. I grew up on the light, then turned to the darkness and now I was venturing into unknown territory. It wasn’t hell but it wasn’t heaven. It wasn’t peace but it wasn’t chaos. I found that Life helped me more than it hurt me. It opened my eyes to everything. I opened my mind to the beauty, my heart to the tragedy and my soul to the possibility of there being a place of serenity in between those two.”


To the God I put my Hope in

“I did not believe in you for a while. I wondered how you could put me through so much pain if you were supposed to love me unconditionally. I put my hope in you now, but not my faith. I put my hope in you now, the hope that you will watch over the ones I love, the ones who need you. I look to you, I speak to you, begging you to take them when the time comes, begging you to hold their hands when they go. I do not ask you to hold me, or to protect me, or to guide me. I am such a sliver of reality, such a disappearing person, that I do not need, or deserve, your protection. What is there to shield me from? I have seen the devils from Hell and the angels from Heaven and the combinations of the two. I have seen lives of light and love and days of darkness and despair. I have seen you in those I care for. They know their worth, they know they are as real as every moment they experience. They know they deserve you. I am conflicted with you. I do not want you to take time worrying about me, worry about them, their prayers, their cries. She wants to live to see one hundred years, don’t take her too soon. I understand your ways, the mysterious ways they say you work in. I understand why you made her my angel, why you’ll make all of them my angels. I do not deserve you, but I hear someone inside of me screaming “Believe!” I do believe, but not for the reasons they’d like. I believe in you for them. I love you for them. I will walk the path for them. All is for them, and so all is for you.”


To the Universe I put my Belief in

“I have you to thank for everything. I have you to thank for the blessings that were disguised as pain, for the beauty that was so hard to see through the tears. Yet those were tears that you gave me, tears that you told me I could use to my advantage. I have you to thank for all the guidance you have provided me with. When I saw her in the clouds, when I saw feathers on the ground, when the numbers added to seven, when the world bent into two and showed me that there were miracles within it. You showed me to tear myself in two and I found the exact same thing within me. I found words and those are the greatest miracles of my existence. Should I say existences? Should I speak of the multiple versions of me that live within the body my soul has taken. This body, I may hurt. This body, I may wound. But this body, holds oceans. It holds oceans composed of the tears of my words. Because I do not cry, but they weep. And I cannot send them away, so I fill myself with the pain and happiness of my words. And that has taught me to find my own path. I thank you for breaking the rope that tied me to the visions. I thank you for setting the world on fire and forcing me, whispering in my ear “Write. Write from the ashes.” And I wrote. I write. I write for you. I surrender for you. I breathe for you because you have shown me everything.  

I believe in you for me.”